Foster and Adoptive Parents of Collin County
Welcome to the Foster & Adoptive Parents of Collin County Support Site
There are many ways to create a family, including through adoption. In the United States alone, there are roughly 120,000 adoptions each year. In total, there are 1.5 million adopted children. Based on these numbers, you can assume that whenever you're in a room of strangers, one out of 10 is likely to have been touched by adoption in some way.
Like all families, adoptive families face challenges: two-year-olds throw tantrums, siblings argue, adolescents rebel and life is stressful. Families created through adoption also face some unique challenges, including how to help their children deal with fundamental issues of loss, rejection, intimacy and more.
Whether you have an adopted child - or know someone who does - there are many ways you can help adopted children (and all children, for that matter) feel loved and supported. Here are some suggestions from adopted children, adoptive parents and adoption agency workers.
Create a life scrapbook. Fill it with mementos relevant to the child. Include letters, photos, maps, copies of birth certificates and other official papers, all of which help the child create an important connection to his or her past.
Tell children it's okay to ask questions. Some children fear hurting their adoptive parents' feelings or making them angry if they ask questions about their birth parents. Encourage children to talk about adoption by initiating conversations with them. Open-ended questions are a good way of getting children to open up (e.g. "I know your birthday is coming up next week. Are you thinking about your birth parents?"). And remember, just because kids aren't asking questions about adoption doesn't mean they aren't thinking about it.
Be honest. Do not invent stories about a child's past. Doing so will weaken the trust between you. Stick to the facts, and if you don't know how to answer a child's questions, say, "I don't know." Resist the temptation to fill in the blanks or improve the information, and only share information you feel your children are interested in or ready to hear.
Establish a "zero tolerance" policy. Let others know that you won't accept any derogatory comments about adoption or race in your home. However, remember that most negative comments are made because of ignorance, not malice. Use the opportunity to help educate others and to talk with your children about their responsibility to confront prejudice and racism, not only for themselves, but for the sake of all children who are "different."
Let children know it's okay to make mistakes. Some adopted children feel they must be perfect or their adoptive parents will give them up, just as their birth parents did. Be sure to let children know that you love them unconditionally for who are they, even when they make mistakes.
Honor what you have in common. Rather than focusing on the ways that you are different, look for things you have in common. Focus on physical characteristics, such as straight hair or long fingers, and other qualities, such as you're both kind to animals or enjoy playing music.
Seek out diversity. Surround adopted children with diversity - people, places, things, food, clothing - so they won't feel like they're the only thing "different."
Share success stories. Tell children about the accomplishments of famous adoptees, including Wendy's founder Dave Thomas, former U.S. President Gerald Ford, inventor George Washington Carver and actress Buffy Sainte-Marie.
Make your child feel special. Show your children how important they are to you by getting out candles and good dishes to celebrate their everyday successes. Give them handwritten notes or letters telling them how great they did on their math test or how proud you are of them.
According to adoption agency worker Mary Anne Maiser, "Families are created in many different ways, but every family is created by building on commitment and love." Build on your commitment and love by picking one thing from the above list and doing it today.
About the author
Beverly Bachel is the author of Wisdom for Adoptive Families, a 2003 page-a-day
calendar filled with words of wisdom for adoptive families and the people who care
about them. She's also the founder of Idea Girls, a national network of women
helping one another turn their ideas into marketable products and/or services. For
information, write Bev at bbachel@qwest.net.
Sidebar:
Here's what some people have to say about adoption and the impact it's
had on their lives.
"Becoming a parent is a leap of faith. No matter how your child comes to you, attach your hopes to a star and know that you, the parent, are the lucky one." Jill Griffith, adoptive mom
"Once your child is in your arms, he isn't your adopted child. He is your child. Nothing more, and absolutely nothing less." Lois Hyde, adoptive mom
"You don't need to share genes to be a family." Linda Brynjulfson, adoption agency employee
"Adoption has helped me grow in so many ways. For one thing, it has given me the confidence to take more risks that will make a real difference in others' lives." Joann Hall Swenson, adoptive mom
"I don't even think about our kids being adopted. We are a normal family." Steve Wagner, adoptive dad
"The best thing about being adopted is that it is different, and different is cool." SuLin Kelley, Chinese adoptee, age 7
"If others tell you that your child doesn't look like you, respond by saying, 'But our child thinks, acts and loves like we do.'" Margi Miller, adoption agency employee
"Adopted children are full of surprises. Do they have a genetic lineage of music lovers . . . athletes . . . scientists? Who knows? Sit back and enjoy the show." Scott Willman, adoptive dad
Excerpted from Wisdom for Adoptive Families, a 2003 page-a-day calendar filled with words of wisdom for adoptive families and the people who care about them.
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