Loss has become all too familiar to
35-year-old Amy. First, it was the loss of her childhood. At nine, because her
parents were not capable of caring for her and her younger sister, she became
the care giver to six-year-old Anne. Two years later, she lost her parents and
her home. She and Anne were moved by the authorities into foster care after it
became clear that their parents could not provide a safe and nurturing
environment for them. It was an especially difficult move for Amy, who had to
relinquish her "parental" role to her new foster mother.
But the most wrenching loss of all came when
Amy was 12. Her social worker believed it would be in her best interest to live
in a home with girls her own age. For the first time in her life, she and her
sister were separated.
It was devastating for both of them. Amy's
self-esteem plummeted because so much of it revolved around her ability to take
care of her younger sibling. Anne, too, was destroyed by the move for she no
longer had the only constant in her life. Her sister, in addition to being her
best friend, had also been her consistent source of advice and approval.
Anne was later adopted by her foster parents
and moved with them to another State. The sisters lost touch with each other.
They also lost their ability to trust and to form lasting relationships when
they became adults.
At 35, Amy says, "I will never forget
the day I had to leave my sister. We were both crying, and I felt like the
world was a terrible and hostile place. As the months went by, I could feel
myself close up. The more I thought about what had happened to me, the more
angry and bitter I became. If the social worker who was supposed to be
concerned for me had the power to take away my sister, I could never trust
anyone again."
Today, Amy and Anne are in contact with each
other. They see each other from time to time, but they do not have the close
relationship that they might have had they not been separated. Amy lives alone,
insists she will never marry, and prefers living a solitary existence where no
one can hurt her. Anne has been divorced twice and says that intimate
relationships are impossible for her to manage. When someone gets too close,
she unconsciously sabotages the relationship.
The story of Amy and Anne demonstrates the
powerful bond that exists between siblings and what can happen when it is
broken. Today, mental health experts are beginning to recognize the
significance and power of the sibling relationship. It is, they say, longer
lasting and more influential than any other, including those with parents,
spouse, or children. When it is severed, the fallout can last a lifetime.
"In
the past it was assumed that parent-child relationships sowed the seeds of
adult behavior, but there is a growing awareness that the interplay between
siblings also exerts a powerful life-long force," says Elisabeth Rosenthal
in an article published in The New York Times. "So, people who
spent years on the couch dissecting their relationship with their parents may
be chagrined to learn they have more work ahead of them. Some psychologists say
they must now probe their relationships with their brothers and sisters."
Dr. Jerry F. Westermeyer of the Department
of Psychiatry at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago says, "The sibling
relationship has been a neglected topic in social science, especially in
adulthood," noting that virtually no research had been done on the topic
until the 1980's. "But people are starting to look hard at it now,"
he says. "It's an important topic and it strikes a chord."
Despite this new burst of knowledge,
statistics indicate that more and more brothers and sisters may have to
experience the same heartbreak felt by Amy and Anne. Sixty-five to 85 percent
of children entering the foster care system have at least one sibling; about 30
percent have four or more. It is often difficult to find families willing to
take all of them, and current estimates indicate that 75 percent of sibling
groups end up living apart after they enter foster care. For most of them, it
means losing the only significant relationship they have known.
The bond between brothers and sisters is
unique—it is the longest lasting relationship most people have, longer than the
parent/child or husband/wife relationship. While the bonds may wax and wane, a
person's lifetime quest for personal identity is undeniably interwoven with his
or her siblings.
In early childhood, siblings are constant
companions and playmates. Through games and conversations with each other, they
learn to interact with the larger community. During adolescence, once-close
siblings may temporarily weaken their ties as they exert their individuality
and independence. In adulthood, when they have families of their own, the needs
of their families usually take precedence over the relationship with each
other, but the sibling ties often emerge stronger during this period. Siblings
generally want to share their adult struggles and triumphs with each other.
The cycle of the sibling bond comes full
circle when the siblings reach old age, after their parents and spouse may be
gone and their children are raising children of their own. The bond between
them often intensifies as they once again become each other's companions,
sometimes living together for the remainder of their lives.
This bond exists in children raised in
well-adjusted families, but it is even stronger for brothers and sisters from
dysfunctional families. They learn very early to depend on and cooperate with
each other to cope with their common problems.
Separating siblings in foster care or
through adoption adds to their emotional burden. They have already had to cope
with the separation and loss of their parents. If they are then separated from
their siblings, they must experience the grieving process all over again. For
many children, this separation will be even more traumatic because, if they
have experienced abuse and/or neglect at the hand of their parents, they will
often have stronger ties to each other than to their mother or father.
Sometimes, it is only through their siblings
that children have been able to gain any positive self-esteem. When they see
good qualities in a brother or sister, they are less likely to see themselves
as "a bad kid from a bad family." Siblings are often able to reveal
to each other parts of themselves that they are reluctant to share with anyone
else, thus strengthening the bond between them.
These early ties remain even when siblings
are separated in foster care or through adoption. In her book, Adopting the
Older Child, Claudia Jewett writes, "Children separated from brothers
and sisters may never resolve their feelings of loss, even if there are new
brothers and sisters whom they grow to love. There may be more drive in adopted
adults to track down their remembered biological siblings than there is to
locate their birth parents, so great a hole does the loss of a sibling leave in
one's personal history."Many adopted adults desperately want to meet a
person who they think might look like them. Seeing similarities between
themselves and their biological siblings helps to answer elusive questions they
may have about their heritage.
Studies have shown that even babies
experience depression when they are separated from their brothers and sisters.
In one such study, it was found that a 19-month-old girl was better able to
cope with the separation from her parents than from her siblings. The children
in this family were placed in different foster homes, resulting in the baby's
loss of speech, refusal to eat, withdrawal, and an inability to accept
affection. This pattern persisted even after she was reunited with her parents.
It was not until her brothers and sisters rejoined the family that this little
girl resumed her former behavior.
The media continues to report stories about
brothers and sisters who have been separated through adoption and as adults
begin a tireless search for each other. One such story involved Eleanor, 39,
who searched for her older brother, Jim, 41, who had been separated from her
when they were young children. These two children had been extremely close. It
was Eleanor's older brother who, when they were first adopted, showed their new
parents how to get his sister to eat her vegetables and brush her teeth. It was
her big brother who had made the transition into their new family easier for
Eleanor. But when Jim showed signs of emotional problems, the adoptive parents
returned him to the adoption agency. It was believed to be in everyone's best
interest.
Now, 36 years later, the only information
Eleanor has found out about her brother is that he had been in a shelter for
the homeless. It was believed he had also been in and out of mental
institutions. Unfortunately, the decision to separate the children proved
damaging to both of them. Jim's emotional problems worsened, following him
through his life, and his sister was traumatized by the loss of her brother.
Today, a greater number of former foster
children are searching for their siblings than are searching for their
biological parents. They are suing child welfare agencies in order to get them
to release information—and they are winning. States and courts have begun to
recognize the importance of the sibling relationship—not only biological
siblings, but also "psychological" siblings.
"It's
a sad commentary that such an action is needed," states Kay Donley
Zeigler, a trainer on sibling relationships in adoption at the National
Resource Center on Special Needs Adoption in Southfield, Michigan, "but it
may be that this type of action on the part of former foster children will
force social workers to think twice before separating siblings."
Recently, a couple from New Jersey was able
to receive an adoption subsidy for adopting a sibling group even though none of
the three children was related biologically. These three "sisters"
developed their relationship while they were placed in the same foster home—a
home they shared for three years.
In similar cases, judges in New York and
Massachusetts have ruled that agencies must accept responsibility for the failure
of sibling groups to remain together. The Massachusetts decision added that
brothers and sisters should be raised together, even half-brothers and sisters,
"unless there are compelling reasons for separating them."
Although it is generally accepted that
separating siblings should be the exception, many brothers and sisters are
living apart. Unfortunately, there are no laws or set rules—the decision to
split the family is usually left to the discretion of the child's social worker.
Today with more children entering the child
welfare system, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find families willing
to accept a sibling group. Hemmed in by budget and time constraints,
overburdened caseworkers often feel that they have no other option than to
separate the children. They believe that separately the children will stand a
better chance of finding a permanent family since there are more families
looking to adopt just one child at a time.
Often these sibling groups have come from troubled
backgrounds, having suffered abuse and neglect by their biological parents.
Their combined problems may seem too severe and numerous for one set of
parents. It is thought that placed separately, the children will each receive
the undivided attention of their new parents, and this will help each develop
to his or her highest potential.
Social workers may also decide to separate
siblings if one of them is being victimized by the other, as in the example of
Jimmy and Diane. Jimmy, 11, and Diane, 9, were a close-knit brother and sister
who were placed together with a family in New Mexico. Before the adoption was
finalized, Jimmy was found to be abusing his little sister. The soon-to-be
adoptive parents frantically contacted the social worker, saying, "We can't
tolerate this kind of behavior. We want Jimmy out of our home!"
The social worker immediately acted on the
case and removed Jimmy from the home. It was later discovered that Jimmy had
been abusing his sister in an earlier placement as well. It was believed that
by separating Jimmy from his sister he would "straighten himself
out." Only time will tell whether the best interests of the children truly
have been served.
Separating siblings may also appear
beneficial if the children are so unhappy about being removed from their
biological or foster family that the social worker feels they will band
together to sabotage their adoption.
Other siblings are separated because of
their inability to get along with each other. Sibling rivalry has been a
concern of families since Cain slew Abel in the Garden of Eden. Few brothers
and sisters are driven to such extremes; yet, sibling rivalry and jealousy
remain major causes for separation in foster care and adoption.
As seen in the earlier example of Amy and
Anne, separation is also common when one child has difficulty giving up his or
her role as "care giver" to the other children. His or her role
confusion may result in removal from the home so that the other children can
bond with their new family without conflict or interference. Removing the care
giver may also appear to be in his best interest, as he can learn to become a
child again without the constant reminder of past responsibilities.
Although these reasons for separating
siblings may have merit, numerous studies invalidate them. They indicate that
separating siblings often delivers inappropriate messages and results in
greater problems for children in the long run. Research on siblings reveals the
following five points:
Despite the growing recognition that it is
healthier for brothers and sisters to remain together, social workers charged
with the responsibility of placing sibling groups still struggle with the
difficult reality of finding families willing to accept several children at one
time. It is easier to find a family for one child than for a sibling group of six.
It is also less costly to search for a family in the immediate area than to
stretch across State lines or travel cross-country, which is often required
when looking for a family willing to adopt a sibling group. It is also more
comfortable for some social workers to place a child with a traditional
two-parent family, although single parents and those with alternative
lifestyles may be more receptive to adopting a sibling group.
Social workers who are dedicated to keeping
siblings together and who are willing to be flexible about prospective adopters
can be successful in finding families for them. For example, large families are
often willing to adopt a sibling group of three or four, but these families
make some workers uneasy. They worry that the parents may be overburdened and
will not be able to give each child enough attention. They wonder whether the
household will be too chaotic and at what point the family will be strained
beyond its capacity to give quality care.
However, research shows that living in a
large family has many benefits. "Large families teach everybody how to
work together," explains Lois Cowen, mother of 15, 10 of whom are adopted.
"The older children help the younger children. The children also learn to
share. You never hear `This is mine...you can't have it.' I recently bought the
children one play toolbox and one set of play dishes. Each child got a tool and
a dish—and was happy."
Parents in large families are less likely to
overreact to minor problems—most of which they have experienced in the past.
Large families also tend to have more structure with set guidelines and
consequences that are known to everyone. For many children who experienced
abuse and neglect, this will be a welcome change from the chaos they faced in
their earlier lives.
Children in large families learn to
cooperate and share things with people of different personalities and
temperaments, helping them to be more flexible about future changes in their
world and preparing them for interaction with the wider community.
An agency's determination to keep siblings
together must be reflected in its foster and adoptive family recruitment
messages. When recruitment highlights sibling groups in a positive manner,
families willing to adopt them respond.
The National Adoption Center, for instance,
a Philadelphia-based organization that promotes adoption opportunities for
children with special needs, feels strongly about placing siblings together.
When it conducts publicity campaigns, brothers and sisters are shown together
and every effort is made not to separate them. The Center has found that the
general public shares its sentiments and believes fervently in preserving the
rights of brothers and sisters to grow up together.
Carolyn Johnson, the Center's Executive
Director, explains, "Most people are distressed when they hear there is a
chance siblings will have to be separated. It is against the natural order of
things—and their visceral reaction is that brothers and sisters should stay
together. Even a family considering the adoption of only one child will almost
always want to adopt his siblings once they are made aware of their
existence."
Paddy Noyes, who for 23 years has written a
column in the Philadelphia Inquirer featuring children waiting to be
adopted, says, "Sometimes a worker will tell me that a sibling group won't
have a chance of being adopted if we put them all in the paper. But I say,
`Let's start with the positive and feature them all.' The results have been
that people will adopt the whole group."
For adoption workers struggling with a
decision about whether to separate a sibling from one or more others in a
foster care or adoptive placement, Kay Donley Zeigler makes these five
suggestions:
"These
relationships are sometimes the only semblance of normalcy these children
have," says Ms. Donley Zeigler. "When you take away someone's
siblings, it's kind of like you're stripping him of everything that he has that
makes him feel okay about himself."
"If
the idea of the child welfare system is to protect and help children,"
says Carolyn Johnson, "everyone involved should be careful to carry out
that mission and always keep in mind what the best interest of the child truly
is."
This article was written by Gloria
Hochman, Ellen Feathers-Acuna, and Anna Huston of the National Adoption Center
for the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse in 1992.